I felt compelled to write on this topic after discussing it with a friend of mine who happens to be a psychologist. During our conversation, we were talking about how our clients who say “yes” all the time can adversely impact the health and well-being of these kind and considerate individuals, who often have caring roles. It’s interesting to note that such individuals share similar traits with those who have fibromyalgia.
Have you ever found yourself in the midst of a never-ending cycle of saying “yes” to everything and everyone, even when it’s detrimental to your well-being?
I know I have, and it’s not a pleasant place to be. However, there’s a simple solution that can make all the difference – start saying “no”. It may seem counterintuitive, but trust me, prioritising yourself is crucial.
You matter just as much as anyone else, and it’s time to stop putting yourself on the back burner.
People may have made us feel guilty for not always being available, or maybe someone made you feel bad and you don’t want anyone else to feel that,but whatever the reason, it’s time to break free from that mindset.
In the end, saying “no” will bring you a sense of empowerment and freedom that is truly unparalleled. It’s time to step out of the “Yes” game and into the “No” zone! Trust me, you deserve it!
ARE YOU A PEOPLE PLEASER?
A people pleaser is someone who constantly seeks to gain approval, acceptance, or validation from others by prioritising their needs, desires, and opinions over their own.
They often go to great lengths to avoid conflict, saying “yes” to requests and obligations even when it may be detrimental to their well-being.
People pleasers tend to have a strong desire to make others happy and may sacrifice their own happiness, personal boundaries, and self-care in the process.
They often fear rejection or disapproval and strive to maintain harmonious relationships, sometimes at the expense of their own mental and emotional health.
WHY DO PEOPLE BECOME PEOPLE-PLEASERS?
Childhood upbringing: People pleasers often develop this behaviour pattern as a result of their upbringing. If they grew up in an environment where their worth was heavily dependent on meeting others’ expectations or receiving conditional love and approval, they may learn to prioritise others’ needs over their own.
Fear of rejection: People pleasers may have a deep fear of being rejected or disliked by others. They seek validation and acceptance, believing that saying “yes” and accommodating others’ wishes will prevent them from being rejected or abandoned.
Low self-esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may seek external validation to feel a sense of worth or value. They may believe that constantly pleasing others will earn them the acceptance and validation they desire, even if it comes at their own expense.
Need for control: Some people pleasers may have a need to control situations and avoid conflict. By constantly accommodating others and saying “yes,” they can maintain a sense of control over their environment and prevent disagreements or confrontations.
Learned behaviour: Observing and internalising patterns of people-pleasing behaviour in their family or social circle can influence individuals to adopt similar behaviour. If they consistently see others prioritising everyone else’s needs above their own, they may learn to do the same.
Lack of assertiveness skills: People pleasers often struggle with asserting their own needs and boundaries. They may not have developed effective communication and assertiveness skills to express their own desires and say “no” when necessary.
It’s important to note that becoming a people pleaser is not a conscious choice for some individuals. It is a learned behaviour that develops over time and can be influenced by a combination of these factors.
SIGNS YOU MAY BE A PEOPLE PLEASER
Difficulty saying “no”: You find it challenging to decline requests or say “no” to others, even when it inconveniences you or goes against your own preferences.
The constant need for approval: You seek validation and approval from others, and their opinions heavily influence your self-worth. You may feel anxious or guilty if you think you have disappointed someone.
Putting others’ needs first: You consistently prioritise the needs and desires of others over your own, often neglecting your own well-being and personal boundaries.
Fear of conflict: You go to great lengths to avoid conflicts or disagreements. You may suppress your own opinions or avoid expressing your true feelings to maintain harmony in relationships.
Ignoring your own desires: You tend to ignore or downplay your own wants and desires, instead focusing on fulfilling the expectations and desires of others.
Overcommitting and feeling overwhelmed: You frequently take on more responsibilities and obligations than you can handle. You struggle to say “no” when asked for help or when faced with additional tasks, leading to feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion.
Difficulty expressing emotions: You find it challenging to express your true emotions, especially negative ones such as anger, frustration, or disappointment. You may suppress your feelings to avoid conflict or upsetting others.
Neglecting self-care: You often prioritise the needs of others over your own well-being. Taking care of yourself and engaging in self-care activities may feel selfish or guilty to you.
Feeling resentful: Despite your efforts to please others, you may harbour feelings of resentment because your own needs and desires are consistently overlooked or disregarded.
Seeking external validation for self-worth: Your sense of self-worth is heavily reliant on the opinions and approval of others. You may struggle with self-acceptance and have difficulty recognizing your own value independent of external validation.
If you resonate with several of these signs, it could indicate that you have people-pleasing tendencies.
However, it’s important to remember that
self-awareness and personal growth can help you overcome these patterns and prioritise your own well-being.
HOW PEOPLE PLEASING IMPACTS WELL-BEING
Anxiety: Constantly seeking approval and fearing rejection can lead to chronic anxiety. People pleasers may worry excessively about saying or doing the wrong thing, which can result in generalised anxiety or social anxiety.
Low self-esteem: Relying on external validation for self-worth can contribute to low self-esteem. People pleasers may have a diminished sense of self and struggle with self-acceptance, constantly seeking affirmation from others to feel validated.
Depression: The constant self-sacrifice and neglect of one’s own needs can contribute to feelings of sadness, emptiness, and depression. People pleasers may experience a loss of personal identity and struggle with a lack of fulfilment.
Burnout: The tendency to take on more responsibilities than they can handle while neglecting self-care, can lead to burnout. People pleasers may feel physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted, experiencing depletion of energy and motivation.
Difficulty with boundaries: People pleasers often have weak personal boundaries and struggle to assert themselves. This can lead to feelings of being taken advantage of, resentfulness, and a lack of control over their own lives.
Suppressed emotions: People pleasers may suppress their own emotions to avoid conflict or keep others happy. This emotional suppression can lead to emotional detachment, difficulty recognizing and expressing emotions, and a sense of disconnection from oneself.
Relationship challenges: People pleasers may struggle to establish healthy and balanced relationships. They may attract individuals who take advantage of their accommodating nature or have difficulty forming authentic connections due to a lack of vulnerability and assertiveness.
Perfectionism: The desire to please others can drive perfectionistic tendencies. People pleasers may set unrealistic expectations for themselves and experience intense self-criticism or fear of failure, leading to stress and anxiety.
Lack of fulfilment: Constantly prioritising others’ needs over their own can result in a lack of personal fulfilment. People pleasers may feel a sense of emptiness or dissatisfaction, as their own desires and goals are consistently neglected.
Difficulty making decisions: People pleasers may struggle with decision-making due to a fear of disappointing or displeasing others. This indecisiveness can contribute to feelings of stress, self-doubt, and a diminished sense of autonomy.
STUDIES ON PEOPLE PLEASING
Study on the motivations of people pleasers: A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology explored the underlying motivations of people pleasers. It found that people who engage in excessive agreeableness and people-pleasing behaviour are motivated by a strong desire for social approval and avoidance of social disapproval.
Study on the relationship between people pleasing and mental health: A study published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology examined the relationship between people pleasing and mental health outcomes. It found that higher levels of people-pleasing behaviour were associated with increased symptoms of anxiety and depression, lower self-esteem, and higher levels of psychological distress.
Study on the impact of people-pleasing on relationship satisfaction: A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships investigated the impact of people-pleasing behaviour on relationship satisfaction. The study found that individuals who exhibited higher levels of people-pleasing tendencies reported lower relationship satisfaction and perceived less support from their partners. It suggested that the constant prioritisation of others’ needs over their own can strain relationships and lead to dissatisfaction.
Study on the connection between people pleasing and burnout: A study published in the Journal of Occupational Health Psychology explored the relationship between people pleasing and burnout in the workplace. It found that people who engaged in more people-pleasing behaviours experienced higher levels of emotional exhaustion and depersonalization, two components of burnout.
Study on the impact of people-pleasing on decision-making: A study published in the Journal of Consumer Research investigated how people-pleasing tendencies influence decision-making. It found that people pleasers were more likely to conform to others’ preferences and make decisions based on external influences rather than their own preferences or values.
TIME TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST!
Practice self-awareness: Recognize and acknowledge your people-pleasing tendencies. Understand the impact it has on your life and well-being.
Identify your needs and desires: Take the time to understand and prioritise your own needs, desires, and values. Connect with your authentic self and what truly matters to you.
Set clear boundaries: Learn to establish and communicate your personal boundaries. Practice saying “no” when necessary and express your needs and limits assertively.
Practice self-care: Prioritise self-care activities that nurture your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Set aside time for rest, relaxation, and activities that bring you joy and fulfilment.
Challenge your beliefs: Examine the beliefs and assumptions that drive your people-pleasing behaviour. Challenge the idea that your worth is solely dependent on pleasing others.
Learn to tolerate discomfort: Understand that setting boundaries and saying “no” may initially feel uncomfortable. Embrace the discomfort as part of the growth process.
Practice self-compassion: Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Remind yourself that it’s okay to prioritise your own needs and that you deserve self-care and happiness.
Develop assertiveness skills: Learn assertive communication techniques to express your thoughts, opinions, and needs confidently and respectfully.
Practice saying “no”: Start small by saying “no” to minor requests or situations where you genuinely don’t want to comply. Gradually work your way up to more significant situations.
Surround yourself with supportive people: Surround yourself with individuals who respect your boundaries and support your growth. Seek out relationships that are based on mutual respect and understanding.
Challenge the need for approval: Recognize that seeking constant approval from others is not necessary for your self-worth. Focus on validating and accepting yourself.
Shift your perspective: Reframe your thinking by focusing on your own needs and self-fulfilment rather than solely seeking the approval of others. Prioritise your own happiness.
Practice self-validation: Acknowledge and validate your own accomplishments, strengths, and values. Build your self-esteem from within rather than relying solely on external validation.
Learn to tolerate disappointment: Understand that it’s natural to experience disappointment or disapproval from others at times. Embrace it as an opportunity for growth and learning.
Seek professional support: Consider working with a Hypnotherapist, Therapist, or Counsellor who specialises in assertiveness training and self-esteem building. They can provide guidance and support throughout your journey of breaking free from people-pleasing patterns.
Remember, breaking the cycle of people-pleasing takes time and effort.
Be patient with yourself and celebrate every step forward you take in prioritising your own well-being and authenticity. You can do this!